The first 800 times I heard the ad for the Hollywood Cookie Diet (I listen to far too much satellite radio), I thought it was a made-up thing.
There's not seriously a "cookie diet," is there? The more I heard the ads, it occurred to me that if they were supposed to be a joke, they really weren't all that funny.
Maybe it was for real. Maybe there really is a way to lose weight while eating all kinds of delicious cookies. I am a big fan of cookies. I am also a big fan of losing weight without actually having to do the hard stuff, like having will power. I use up most of my daily will power just to get out of bed in the morning.
So I turned to the Internet, the source of so many great, crazy diet plans. I am proud to report that the Hollywood Cookie Diet is indeed real, and at least two famous people are reporting losing weight on it -- Kelly Clarkson and Mandy Moore.
It was the actual logistics of the diet that I found disappointing. Nowhere in the Hollywood Cookie Diet instructions is there a part where you get to eat large quantities of Oreos. Or homemade chocolate chip cookies, when they're all warm and melty right from the oven.
No. Here is what the plan says: "Simply eat up to four cookies a day, replacing breakfast and lunch, and eat a sensible dinner. Eat a cookie for breakfast, mid-morning snack, lunch and mid-afternoon snack."
Wait a minute, one cookie? For lunch? What am I, a bird? I don't know about you, but I like a sandwich for lunch. And some pretzels and carrots. I'm going to replace all that with one lousy cookie? I'm suspicious of a lunch that can be consumed in 30 seconds.
"The Hollywood Cookie Diet works because it is a low-calorie diet based on caloric restriction by meal replacement and portion control," the plan says
Seems to me, the Hollywood Cookie Diet works because you eat next to nothing. I didn't even know it was possible to eat one cookie at a time. I thought they just came in twos or threes.
Since it is Nov. 1, I happen to have in my possession approximately 16 pounds of candy. OK, so technically it isn't my candy, since it was given to my children, but I am bigger than they are. And no, I am not above taking candy from children.
I think I could invent the Fun-Size Candy Bar Diet. Eat one fun-size candy bar for breakfast, lunch and snack and eat a sensible dinner. I think I would seriously lose weight on this plan.
Of course, the cookies in question are not just random Chip Ahoys. They are loaded with vitamins and minerals and other healthy things, so you can imagine they taste nothing like any cookie your mother ever baked.
They also cost $14.99 a box. Sheesh, think how many Girl Scout Cookies that would buy.
To prove that I am not a complete skeptic of Internet-advertised diet plans, I should disclose that I have tried drinking the acclaimed acai berry juice. You've seen it advertised along the right side of various web pages, where it says "Jenny from Dubuque lost 17 pounds in three days!"
It came in a very pretty bottle like wine -- really expensive wine (makes the cookies look like a bargain.) But it tastes like prune juice with heavy pulp. Yech. After two weeks of a daily dose, Amy from Dubuque notes no discernible difference whatsoever.
I'll probably lay off the Internet diet solutions from now on. But if you see an ad for the Fun-Size Candy Bar Diet, remember you heard it here first.
You can e-mail Amy at agilligan@wcinet.com.
