From the case files of Dr. Nicolette Carol, child psychiatrist:

Jacob Tramplet: "Jacob, 11, was brought in by his mother due to 'recurring nightmares.' After a private session with the patient -- which his mother initially resisted -- I learned the lad had witnessed his mother 'kissing Santa Claus' while his father was away on business. The mother then implied that there will be no gifts for Jacob this year if he informs his father, thus further dividing the child's loyalties and prompting him to ask, 'If Mommy loves Santa and not Daddy, what about me?' Alas, he has discovered that the moral system professed is not the one lived.

"The fact that he is no doubt experiencing his own first stirrings of sexuality, that the object of his mother's lust is elderly, bewhiskered and obese, and that he witnessed 'tickling' add considerably to the Jungian 'ewwww' factor, leading to anxiety in the highest."

Prescription: Paxil.

Tyler Shepherd: "His mother brought in Tyler, 9, because he hears voices and has hallucinations. Although schizophrenia is rare at the little Shepherd boy's age, his symptoms bear the hallmarks: religious overtones, bizarre if poetic images, a rich imagination and an advanced vocabulary.

"At a time when most children have outgrown imaginary friends, he carries on sophisticated dialogues with 'Little Lamb.' He also insists that the night wind sings to him in 'a voice as big as the sky.' His repeated query, 'Do you know what I know?' is spoken in a hiss with what a layperson might call 'a crazy look' in his eye that suggests the formation of conspiracy theories."

Prescription: Refer to Dr. Head in Iowa City.

Anthony Drummer: "This 11-year-old has such a persistent case of obsessive-compulsive disorder that it was difficult to interview him. He refused to part with his drum during our session and continually chanted, 'Rum Pah Pum Pum.' The Little Drummer Boy has his mother, teacher, classmates and,

I must confess, his psychiatrist, at wit's end.

"Typical of an OCD sufferer, he fixates on drumming 'just because' and repeats the question, 'Shall I play for you upon my drum?' ad infinitum. Worse, the stilted wording of the question has triggered ridicule at school."

Prescription: Prozac (maximum dose).

Note to self: Refill migraine medication.

Gregory Swindler: "His probation officer brought in 10-year-old Gregory Swindler, who was sent to juvenile detention after running a con game at discount stores throughout the city. Pacing around as little boys do, he would pretend he was buying shoes for his dying mother ('she's been sick for quite a while, and I know these shoes would make her smile') but then discover at checkout he didn't have enough money. After gullible shoppers gave him money for the shoes, he would return them for cash at the next store.

"His insistence that he knows his mother's shoe size and style implies that he could be a shoe fetishist in the making."

Prescription: Refer to a pediatrician to rule out a urinary tract infection as the reason for his pacing.

Treasure Whitetrash: "The school grief counselor referred 8-year-old Treasure in the aftermath of a tragedy: Her maternal grandmother, who was Treasure's caretaker during her mother's recent incarceration, was run over by a reindeer. Although the circumstances are murky, it is clear that substance abuse is endemic in the Whitetrash family. At the wake, the child unfortunately observed hoof prints on her grandmother's body, an image now deeply embedded in her memory.

"Adding to her woes is her mother's live-in boyfriend, Shaggy, who convulses with laughter when the accident is mentioned, particularly disconcerting because the laughter is silent, Shaggy's jaws having been wired shut after a bar fight. Due to trauma, even little Treasure giggled inappropriately with her cousins during the funeral, deepening her sense of survivor guilt."

Prescription: Role-playing next session so Treasure can explore her feelings.

Note to self: Buy antlers.

Christian, a former Dubuquer, is a Des Moines writer whose e-mail address is rebecca.christian@mchsi.com. She and Katherine Fischer authored, "That's Our Story and We're Sticking to It!" which is published by the TH and available through THonline.com.